Our angel Sharyn: Just been feeling down

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Just been feeling down

It has been a while since I have posted for many reasons, mostly because I have not known what to say. I guess recently I have really been down, and that is mostly why I have not written. I have really missed our baby the past few weeks and fill maybe she is slipping more and more away from my family. We have done lots of fun things lately, but I am having a hard time finding joy in them, mostly because I don't feel that I am complete. I feel broken And I hate that! I am a fixer and I can't fix this. I also feel like others look up to me and I don't fill adequate. I feel like I come up short. I want to be there for them but I fill like I have nothing to offer. I also am having a hard time keeping up with my every day life. Like all my responsibility's. If you have been to my house recently you would notice it has not been the most organized and is kind of in chaos. And outside responsibilities "for get it!" I have been horrible, with doing my church obligations, like visiting teaching and keeping up with Young Woman's. I really love my callings, but am having a hard time being motivated to do a good job. I always put on a happy face when deep down I am sobbing. I think all of my family is struggling as well. Noah (my 7 year old boy) keeps asking me when will Sharyn live with us again. He has asked me that a few times the last few days, and I have to keep reminding him that she will not live with us in this life again. And we will be with her again in Heaven. And then he will ask me "will the next baby be Sharyn?" And I have to explain that all of us our different and there is only one Sharyn and that She will not get another body on this earth. It is hard to say "I am sorry but your baby sister will not live here with us in this life". I know he understands but I don't think he can except that she is gone. Out of all my kids I thought he cared the least. But I think that he might have not known how to handle it. I try to be there for him and my other kids and hope my explanations help. I just had my birthday on Tuesday and I think that has not helped the situation. To be reminded that you are getting older and there is nothing you can do about it. My life is not were I envisioned it at my age and that is disappointing. I do fill like there are things in my life that are true blessings, first of all my beautiful children and my loving husband. I just think that I was not expecting to have the year start out on such a rocky road. I was naive to think that losing a baby would never happen to me and so I was blind sighted. Also to be so fare along, way out of the danger zone and then losing her was so unexpected, and that also hurts. So lately all I feel I can do is pray to my Heavenly Father and ask him to help me through this time. Also to trust in him, that He knows what is best and that he will take care of my family.

2 comments:

April said...: Oh Shelia, I am so sorry for the hard times right now, I have to say it really does suck. That was the sweetest photo video for Sharyn, oh she was so precious and perfect. I think really it hit me the hardest as well was around 4 months, you realize they are gone, others move on and you aren't ready to. I hope you can find some comfort and peace soon. Love you and thinking of you. I hope you are feeling ok, and Happy Birthday. Love, April; March 18, 2009 at 4:32 PM
Rylie said...: I am sorry Shelia. My friends daughter always asks me where my baby is, and why she isn't here. It hurts but its nice that she remembers. I have been really down lately too. Know that you are in my thoughts! Happy Birthday!! Love to you! Rylie; March 19, 2009 at 12:57 PM

Sharyn Emma Winterbottom

Sharyn Emma was born and returned to our Heavenly Father Nov 14 2008 at 5:20 am. She was 4 lbs 12 ounces and was 18 inches long. I will always cherish the time we spent with her, holding her, giving her a little kiss and just getting to see her. She had very big feet and beautiful dark hair. She looked just like her brother Austin. She was our beautiful little angel. Sharyn was a perfect baby, and had to come to this earth only to get a little body. Although we are devastated by our loss we know that we will see her again someday, and will be able to raise our little baby girl. No one has ever loved a little angel like we have loved Sharyn. We know that Sharyn will be with us always, and she knows the love that our parents, family and friends all share for her. She was absolutely beautiful.

A Mom and Dads love!

I started this blog to honer my sweet baby girl, Sharyn. We hope it can be a place that family and friends can visit as we all begin to heal. We are so proud to say She's ours forever, and we’d like to share her story. The more I talk about her the better I feel and I hope in some way I can be helpful to others who may someday come across this blog who have gone through a similar experience or are experiencing any trial in their life. I hope in writing about the different emotions I go through, that I will be able to see how blessed I truly am. How my Heavenly Father dose love us and watchs over us.

Sharyn Emma's short time spent with us

Here is baby Sharyn's story, of her with us for such a short but special time.

Dan and I were so exited to finely be pregnant. We had a hard time getting pregnant and it had been a few years of trying. So to Finley be pregnant was a miracle. I was hoping it would be a girl but did not want to get my hopes up. I was going to be exited ether way. I was sick as normal and happier than ever, everything was going just great.
On my big ultrasound day we decided to take our kids along, because Ryanne was so exited to find out what it was. Ryanne was hoping for a baby sister and the Noah wanted a brother, Austin new the whole time that she was a girl. He kept telling me that I had a baby sister in my tummy. He loved her and would always kiss and hug my tummy. He would always hold up his hands in front of him and say "the baby is hugging me like this. She loves me." And I know she did.

We were shocked to find out that we really were having a girl. I could not believe it, a baby girl! We had her name picked out ever since I was pregnant with Noah. (about 7 years) We called my sister Sharon and told her we were having a Sharyn. She did not get it at first, and was so confused. But after a minuet she finely got it, and was so exited as well. Sharyn Emma was named after some of my most favorite people in the whole world, my sisters Sharon and Emily. I love them both and wanted to honer them with our baby girls name.
Of course my mom went crazy buying everything in pink, with bows and ruffles. I had nothing left from when Ryanne was a baby( she is 9 years old now) and so we had to buy everything new. I never really got into shopping for her, not because I was not thrilled to be having a baby girl. But because I just felt we needed to wait. I had always wanted a new crib set for my baby's, but could never afford one. So when we found out she was a girl, we hit the stores to find the perfect one. I found the cutest crib set, (that to this day still reminds me of her) It is pink, white and pale green, it had lady bugs on it and was perfect.

Sharon would ask me all the time if I felt baby Sharyn move that day. And I always would complain that she was just being paranoid.
I never really got exited for her birth day, I always felt nervous about it. I think the lord was preparing me for what was to come. I thought maybe it was because, it was around the holidays and I would possibly miss out on activity's, or because I was not sure how I would handle having a brand new baby again ( its been 4 years since Austin was a baby.) I really was not sure what I was filling. The days were soon approaching and I was getting more and more nervous. Not really for the birth, but for what was to come after.
I loved being pregnant this time. I thought it was our last baby, and that I would not ever fill life inside of me again, so ever moment was precious. I asked our good friend Scott to take some pics, of my belly (not bare, yuck!) and the kids. I had it all planed out, first I was going to get pics with my belly, then when she was 1 week old and then when she was blessed, the family all in white. It was going to be perfect. I planed on getting our first set of pics just before thanksgiving, but Scott thought we should do it just a week after Halloween. I thought well that's a little earlier than I planed but OK, he insisted (it ended up to be a blessing, I truly fill he was inspired to do it then) I had no idea that this would be my only pics of baby Sharyn alive, and our only family pic all together. I will always cherish them. Thank you so much Scott and Cortney for your beautiful work and your inspiration and closeness to our heavenly father. We love you Scott, Stacy and Cortney! You are such wonderful Friends.
(not very many people know, but the kids are holding my belly, so Scott took my belly out and put the pic, he took in the hospital with Dan, Sharyn and I and put it in its place.)

I was about 37 weeks and my doctor was out of town. I was going to my weekly appointment now and had to see a different doc. My appointment on Tuesday was as normal, (except for the doc) baby Sharyn was perfect and I was dilated to about a 1. I remember complain to everyone that she better not come before black Friday, or I would be upset. (We always shop the sales the day after thanksgiving) Thanksgiving was getting close and so was my due date. (I was due the 1st of December)
Like I said before I really never got exited about having her here, and I noticed that. It really frustrated me that I was not getting ready for her to come, and I only had a few weeks left. I had to force myself to have Dan help me put her crib up.
I remember very clearly, Wednesday the 13th of November. My mom and I had gone shopping, when she brought me home, her and I were sitting in the car talking. Sharyn started moving, so my mom felt her and talked to her. That was my moms last time feeling her alive. Later that night I had already gone to bed when Dan came home from work. Every night he would snuggle up to me, to get a chance to feel baby Sharyn move, and that night was no exception. I was very sad that night, and I could not figure out why. I kept crying, and telling Dan that I was afraid for her to come. I was so mad at my self, that I was not exited. I did not understand what I was feeling, all I kept saying is " I don't want her to have a hard life." I did not want her to suffer, with school, with getting hurt, with life itself. I loved her so much and did not want to ever see her in pain. At that time I did not no how profound those feelings really were.
The next day I felt great. I had an appointment at my chiropractor that morning, so I did not sit and wait to count the movements, the doc instructs you to do. (I would normally count them in the morning, before I got out of bed) For the first time, since I found out I was having a girl, I was exited to have her here. I wanted to buy her something cute from me. So I called my mom to come and pick me up, for a girls day out. It was so fun! My mom and I went shopping and to lunch. I was feeling so good and ready for her to finely be here. Later that night I went to my moms house to help cook pumpkin soup for the "craft night"(Sharon, my friend Sheree and my mom planed a surprise baby shower for me on that Saturday. They were serving pumpkin soup, because of the Thanksgiving holiday just around the corner. They told my it was a craft night for our extended family and friends. Of course I believed them.) and was talking to my sister Sharon about my aunt Kathy.
About 20 years ago my aunt was pregnant and call my mom up(my mom is a nurse). She was worried, because she had not felt her baby move for a while. My mom had her come over and gave her some instructions on how to make the baby active. I remember that day very clearly, her baby never did move, and she ended up having a still born birth at about 31 weeks along in her pregnancy. I remember how hard it was on her, it was her 4th baby, she had 3 beautiful boys and this was her little girl. It was devastating to her and her family.
Any way I had mentioned to Sharon, how would I react if something like that happened to me(I think that the lord had inspired me) how would I survive. She was about were I was in my pregnancy and it was devastating. Just after I made that comment to Sharon, it donned on me that I had not felt baby Sharyn move all day. So I mentioned it to my mom, and she had me go lay down on my left side and drink a glass of orange juice. I was very calm, but I still did not fill her move. I had my mom call the doc to see what we should do. The doc told us to head to the hospital just to make shore everything was OK. (Normally I would say "no, the baby is fine. They will just send me home, and I'll be embarrassed." but not this time I said "OK, lets go.") We got to the hospital and they took me right back. I was not nervous at all but my family was. They tried to listen to her heart beat and could not find it. The nurse was getting more and more nervous. Than they went and got the ultrasound. And as soon as she put the ultrasound on my stomach I could see that her heart had stopped. There was nothing just a little body and no movement. The nurse started shaking and left the room to get a doc but I already new the outcome, and It was unreal. I remember thinking, this is just a bad dream, and her heart will start any minute. But that's not what happened.
So I still had to delver her and I was terrified. This is not what was suppose to happen, and especially not to me. My doc was out of town and so there was no comfort there. I was so nervous to see my baby, I was shaking. The nurse kept telling me that when she comes it will be OK ( I was not sure what I was going to see. And we still did not know why she had passed.) It was terrifying. But my labor was not hard at all. I was started about 11pm on Thursday the 13th and had her at 5:20am the 14th of November. Her delivery was my easiest. As I have said in the past she was perfect. There really was nothing to be afraid of and the nurse was right, everything was OK. She was 4lb 12oz and about 18in long. She passed away from the cord being wrapped around her neck. It did turn her beautiful face a shade of purple, from bruising, but that did not mater to us. We still loved her and thought that she was the most beautiful baby we had ever seen.
It was a special time, I will always cherish those few hours we spent with her. My mom, Dan's mom and dad, my grandma and my sister Sharon all got the special opportunity to hold her, kiss her, and just enjoy her for those few precious moments. My grandma Bernice tells me all the time how grateful that she is to have the opportunity to hold our baby girl. And that she will cherish that time spent with her great granddaughter forever.
Although this has been my greatest trial in life, It also has been a blessing. I have come to find many blessings from this experience. I can truly say that I believe in the temple and the atonement, and that we will get to raise our daughter someday. Like a friend of Dan's said "Who better to babysit your baby than Jesus and Heavenly father" (and also Great Grandma Ella) I am no longer afraid of death, for me and my family. I know that I can handle anything that comes my way, that I am a strong women. I definitely cherish my children more, and realize what a blessing they truly are. And am so proud of my husbands strength, and his love for our family. The people that surrounds me are also a blessing, who would have thought, that our family and friends where so wonderful, that they cared so much about our family. Everyone has been so concerned for us and has truly been there when we needed them. I have also met such wonderful people that have had a smiler experience as me, and truly can say "I know what you are going through." I definitely feel more humbled, the other day I had a temple interview with our stake president. And just out of the blue he said( not knowing really what I was going through) "some times we don't under stand what the Lord has in store for us, and we want everything now, but the Lord has his own time and we just need to be patient and believe in him." I started to cry and I think he was a little freaked out. what did he say? But I explained my situation and how he had answered my prays. I wanted to know "why" and "why could I not just raise her here and now" and the stake pres was inspired to answer my questions. I feel like I am being watched over by our Heavenly Father, and He dose answer our prays. I miss her terribly.

I love you Sharyn very much and miss you, but I know I will see you again. Love, Mom & Dad

Our angel Sharyn

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Just been feeling down

2 comments:

Sharyn Emma Winterbottom

A Mom and Dads love!

Back into our arms

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Sharyn Emma's short time spent with us