Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Happy 1st Birthday Sharyn!

November 14th, was our baby Sharyn's first birthday and the day that I was not looking forward too having. I was terrified that I would not be able to keep it together and I would have a breakdown. But the day was a very special day and a day that I can look back on with fond memory's. I feel that I was able to show Sharyn how much she is loved and missed. I cried a lot but not so much that it ruined the day. I miss her very much and keep her in my heart all of the time.
My mom and I went shopping that day for a few gifts to put on Sharyn's grave and she mentioned that if Sharyn were here, she would probably be crawling and saying "Mommy" and "Daddy". I started balling in the store. I could not help it, I have avoided thinking about what she would be like right now if she were here, for that very reason. I felt my emotions on the surface and tried to hold them back. But the thought of her and what she would be like opened the flood gaits. I found it hard to get it back together. But I composed myself after a few minutes and realized that I was kidding myself on thinking that this day would come tear free.

Last year after we lost Sharyn, my mom gave me a basket of flowers for Sharyn's funeral. They were so beautiful and I loved the bear inside of it. After the flowers started wilting I did not know what to do with the basket and bear, do I put the bear on Sharyn's grave or keep it? Do I keep the basket or through it away? those were the questions I had and then my sister Sharon came up with a great idea. She suggested that I make a fall decoration out of it to honer baby Sharyn and her birthday and to also enjoy the bear and basket. So that is what we did. On Sharyn's first birthday we made a fall basket that we can put out for the month of November to enjoy and decorate for Thanksgiving and to also remember our baby Sharyn. I love it and feel it turned out perfect. What a beautiful way to have a little bit of Sharyn in our home for the holiday of Thanksgiving. I am truly thankful for her, and can't wait to finely be with her again.

We decided to through a big birthday party just like the ones I through for our other kids. We had dinner and presents and cake and Ice cream. There was a little twist when we opened the gifts. We each took turns opening one and then everyone else said why that person was so special and what they loved about them. I loved it, we find ourselves not talking nice to each other enough and not telling each other why we love them, so what a perfect opportunity to tell our family how much they mean to us and by doing this the kids truly knew that each member in our family did love and appreciate them and thought they were a wonderful addition to our family. I know that Sharyn was looking down at her family smiling, because she knows how special her brothers and sisters are and she was proud of them for recognizing how wonderful they are. We all needed that and the kids just beamed after we were all done because they did feel the love from each member of our family.

Each gift we gave our little girl had some meaning behind it. The Tinkerbell was because Grandma Louise has a Disney character figurine for each one of her grand children and when we lost baby Sharyn she decided that Tinkerbell was perfect for a little girl that never would grow up. I love Tinkerbell as well because she has wings and is so small and perfect.
Ambree gave her a stuffed elephant because as many of you know, Ambree has lots of elephant things because everyone teased me whale I was pregnant with her that I had been pregnant for two years to Finlay get a baby, and elephants are pregnant for two years. So Sharyn had to have an elephant too.
Noah gave her a Minny Mouse because we love Disneyland and she needed a little peace of Disney.
Ryanne gave her a princes crown, because she is our princes.
Austin gave her a story book because all little girls love for there mom and dad to read them a bedtime story.

After presents we went to her grave and gave the gifts to Sharyn and sang Happy Birthday. It turned out perfect!Ever since I have had Ambree I find that I now truly know what I am missing buy not having our little girl Sharyn in our home. I look at Ambree's beautiful face and see her angel sister staring back at me and me wishing that I could have her here in my arms.
We love and miss you Sharyn and look forward to the day we will be with you again. Happy Birthday from your mommy, daddy and big sister Ryanne, brothers Noah and Austin and baby sister Ambree. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A lady bug sent from heaven!

It has been so amazing and so emotional these past few days. I have cried for so many reasons and have felt blessings and miracles all around me. The day Ambree was born was one of the most miraculous days of my life. To here her little cry as she was born was so wonderful and the most overwhelming feelings I have felt in a long time. I wish I could describe how I felt but I don't know how to put it into words that could justify the feelings I was feeling.

As I was recovering in the hospital my mom and sister decided that it was time to get ready for the baby to come home. (I just could not put up the crib or get ready for Ambree, not because I was not exited to have her here, but I was nerves to put up anything just in case something were to go wrong. I just could not bare to take down the crib again. I just did not want to Jinks my self.)
Wail they were cleaning and setting up the crib they found a little surprise setting on the head of the crib. It was a perfect little lady bug. Why is that such a miracle? Because I have always thought of our baby Sharyn as a lady bug. I bought her crib set with them on it and had to have one put on her head stone. And here to greet her new little sister into the world on her birthday was a perfect lady bug just waiting. My mom and Sharon just stood there staring at this miracle, how did it get into the house? How was it still alive when there was snow just out side? But here at the head of baby Ambrees bed was a lady bug. I would like to think it was a sign sent from heaven, our little Sharyn wishing Ambree, her new baby sister her love and that she was watching over us in this happy time.
I can't tell you what a comfort it was to see the pictures of this lady bug and to here the story on where it was. To know that our baby girl was here with us. I know our Heavenly Father loves us and is watching over us. He has blessed us again with another beautiful baby girl. There has been many things that have been such a miracle with Ambree's coming and it all points to one thing. There truly is a Heavenly Father watching out for our family, and our sweet baby Sharyn is ever so near to us.
Just a few things that happened to verify that Ambree was a miracle. First, we wanted to have another baby after Sharyn but I was to scared to try again, so we decided that we wanted to wait awhile. But just 3 short months later we were surprised to find out I was pregnant. How could that be? I could never get pregnant on my own. All of the other kids I had to visit with the doctor to have them and here we were pregnant with another baby.
I just new it was going to be a boy. How could I be having a girl when I wanted one so bad and our last baby girl was taken from us much to soon. I was wrong again, it was another girl, to me that was one of the most amazing miracles I had yet. I could not believe we would be having a baby girl in our home after all.
Next came the shocking news, baby Ambree was due on baby Sharyn's 1st birthday, November 14Th 2009. When they told me my due date I was so surprised I started to cry. How could this be? Out of all the days in the year to have our baby due, she was coming right on our Angel baby's birthday. The pore tec. lady was flustered with my reaction, so I told her my story and she was surprised as well. She quickly changed my due date to the day before, November 13th. My mom would always tell me that it was Heavenly Fathers way of trying to make things wright and to let us know that there was many more blessings to come for the sacrifices we have made. I think maybe she was right.
And then our beautiful baby Ambree came into this world at exactly 36 weeks and 6 days, just exactly the same age of baby Sharyn, the day we lost her. She was also 36weeks and 6 days when I did not feel her move anymore and went in to the hospital.
There was so many things that make me believe that I am being watched over and now to have this Lady bug here, the day baby Ambree was born, to welcome her to this earth. How else, but believe it was sent by her big sister Sharyn.
I love you Sharyn and miss you so much. Thank you for the little gift and I know that you have been here with us these past few days. I love you and will always keep you in our hearts, and one day I will have another miracle, I will hold you in my arms. I will look forward to that day, Until then I will cherish these moments.
Love your Mommy and new baby sister Ambree!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

My sister is home!

Ambree my little sister is with her family!Daddy getting ready.Born at 12:56pm
20 in long
6lb 8oz.

Mommy is so Happy!!!!!!!!!!!!Ambree already has daddy rapped around her finger!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you all for the love and prayers.
Mommy and Daddy.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Just wanted to say I love you!

I was going through Sharyn's pictures and decided to make a marmoreal video of her funeral. I think it turned out perfect!
I just wanted to say that we love you so much Sharyn!
Much Love!!!
Mom, Dad, Ryanne, Noah, Austin, and your new baby sister Ambree

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Missing you!

Today I am just missing you so much Sharyn. I don't know what it is about today, maybe just having your baby sister moving inside of me, makes me remember when you were with me and how happy I was to be having you, or maybe that you are near me today. I just can't stop crying and my arms ache for you so much today. I love you and want to send a kiss to heaven too let you know that I am thinking of you today. I love so much, my little angel Sharyn. Love Mommy

Sunday, August 30, 2009

A specail gift for our little girl!

It is finely here. Sharyn's headstone.The other day we were at a family party and I got a text message from my sister Sharon, that had baby Sharyn's headstone on it and the caption "It's all paid for" on it. "What?" I said, I did not get it, and then I started balling. I couldn't believe it, our baby girl will finely have her headstone to honer her and so we will be able to show her how much we love her.
Dan and I only could afford to pay for half of it and we had to save up for the rest. I was stressed that it was getting so late in the summer and that we were not going to be able to get the rest paid for before the ground was too frozen to be able to set it. I was so sad that I could not go and put flowers on Sharyn's grave and just find her. I had kind of lost track of were her grave was and it really bothered me.
I guess my mom and Sharon and my Grandma Bernice decided awhile ago that they were going to surprise me and pay off the remainder balance of her headstone for us. They wanted to wait until it was placed before the told me and just take me over to her grave site to show me, but they could tell I was getting really anxious to get it paid off and that I probably could not wait that long (They were right, I was going nuts, trying to figure out how we were going to pay off the rest) So after Sharon, my mom and Grandma payed it off they sent me the e-mail. They just had got back, and so they saw my reaction, I balled and balled. They got the reaction that they had expected. Everyone at the party was shocked that I was crying and asked what was wrong. I told them what they had done and so all of us were teary eyed.
I am so so so happy I can't even tell you. I called my grandma and told her how much it meant to me and balled again on the Phone. I just can't even tell them how much this truly meant to me and my family.
The other day we went and put flowers on her new little headstone and showed the kids it. They loved it and were so exited to finely see it. We are so happy!I just wanted to say again, THANK YOU! I love you Mom, Sharon and Grandma. I think this was the most special gift that you could give our little family and it will always mean the world to us. We love you!
And we love you so much Sharyn, I can't wait to hold you in my arms and give you a little kiss.
Love, Mommy!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

How beautiful!

Thank you Amy for putting this beautiful video together for our Angel Sharyn. Your work was breathtaking and I will Cherish this forever. You are such a wonderful friend and I am truly grateful. You are always in our prayers.

I am missing you so much!

Today I have been missing you, baby Sharyn so much. I just want you here with us.
It has been kind of a roller coaster ride these last few months. My emotions are kind of all over the place. One minute I am so happy and the next a nerves wreck and so sad. To be pregnant again has been so stressful. To not know if everything will turn our OK and to still carry on with life. Sometimes I don't want to carry on with life, I just want to sit and have everything stand sill, so that I can catch up.
We recently went to Alaska and had lots of fun, but my trip was tainted with the feelings of loss and also missing my kids left at home. I still feel like it was the time of our lives, but I also missed my kids desperately. I have left them for long trips before, but never have I missed them so much while I was gone. It almost took all the fun out of the trip. I really decided that it would have been more fun to have them there.
Also these past few months of school have dragged on forever. I never before wanted so desperately for school to be out and have the kids home all the time. It has been hard for me to send them away and not to be with them. I am so so glad we have this summer to spend together and just enjoy each other.
I hate that loosing a baby has changed me forever but I am glad that I have been changed. I would never give up the true blessings that I have receive through this trail, the love for my family and how I truly feel closer to each one of them and cherish them even more. I love that I have Sharyn to look forward too, to be able to raise her and see her grow. That is what helps me through.
I love each one of my children very much and feel they our are true blessings in our lives.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Dear Cora,

I also wanted to post this little graphic in remembrance of little
Cora who returned to Heaven 3 years ago today.
Happy Birthday


Love The Winterbottom's

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Back into our arms

Our friend Scott is such an amazing artiest, and he was there with us the day we lost Sharyn. He came and took some wonderful pictures of our beautiful baby girl and shared our grief with us. We talked for a while in that hospital room about how we were feeling and how hard it was to say good buy to some one who was so perfect. And he had such wonderful words of comfort, he talked about how exited we will be to finely get to hold our baby girl in our arms and know the amazing reason that she was taken from us so soon. He said "Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us and Sharyn was one of those special spirit that all she needed was a body, and when we return to her we will be so amazed at her purpose, and all the blessings we received for our grief and sacrifice" Shortly after that he gave us our wonderful gift that I so desperately wanting and needed, and that was our beautiful family portrait. I had asked him, long before we lost Sharyn, to take our family portrait when Sharyn joined our family. And when that fateful day came and I realized that my dream of a family portrait was lost, Scott surprised me (the day of Sharyns funeral) with our priceless family portrait. It was prefect and beautiful, and I will always be grateful for Scott's inspiration and talent that he shared with us that day.
Once again he amazed me! The other day my sister Sharon and I went of to Scott's home to talk to him. He proceeded to tell me this story about a couple that had a beautiful baby boy that was healthy and perfect, but after just a few months they suddenly lost him to heart problems. It was very hard on them and Scott was inspired to do this beautiful picture of what it will be like when we are rejoined with our beautiful children. This photograph was so touching to me I started to cry, the spirit was so strong at that moment when he shared this story and picture with me. The couple in the photo is the couple that lost there baby boy just this Christmas and you can see the emotion that he captured on there faces. He said that it was one of his hardest shoots, because how emotional it was. I LOVE IT and want to share his work with all of you. He said he took this picture to hopefully be a comfort for parents like me who lost the little ones to soon and that we have this moment to look forward to. The photo is titled "Back into our arms" How perfect! I love you Scott and Stacy and want to let you know that you are such a blessing to our lives. Thank you so much for being our friends!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Words of comfort!

The other day I went over to a good friend of ours and was talking about our loss and how hard it has been. I happened to mention to him that I was looking for something that would tell us a little more about how old our children (we have lost) will they be when we get to hold them again? And he gave me this article that was written from some talks that Joseph Smith had given, and it said...

At the funeral of two-year-old Marian Lyon, the Prophet said: "We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, Which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that presents themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it... grows more wicked and corrupt... The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world: they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefor, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again..."

Mary Isabella Horne and Leonora Cannon Taylor each lost a young child in death. Sister Horne recalled that the Prophet Joseph Smith gave the two sisters these words of comfort: "He told us that we should receive those children in the morning of the resurrection just as we laid them down, in purity and innocence, and we should nourish and care for them as their mothers. He said that children would be raised in the resurrection just as they were laid down, and they would obtain all the intelligence necessary to occupy thrones, principalities and powers."

The Prophet Joseph Smith said: "A question may be asked- 'Will mothers have their children in eternity?' Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid."
"Children... must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same glory- the same loveliness in the celestial glory." (History of the Church, 6:316; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 7, 1844 and May 12, 1844 in

This article was so wonderful and really touched me. I felt the spirit, and I know that what Joseph Smith was saying was true. I didn't realize that Joseph and Emma Smith also have lost many Children, they had 11 children- 9 born to them and 2 adopted- only 5 lived to adulthood. I know that Joseph Smith knows the loss of a child, so he asked from his heart, if his loving wife would be able to have those children again, and the Lord did give him an answer. I am shore that Emma felt relieved to know that those children she had lost, she would be able to raise them from the age they had died, and see them grow.

I am so exited to be able to see our baby Sharyn again, and for me to be her mommy, and be able to raise her from a little baby. To be able to see her grow and enjoy all the blessings that comes with it. I love my heavenly father and know that Joseph Smith is a true prophet of God and that he was inspired, and speaks the truth. I am grateful for the atonement and the blessings it gives to me. I know Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to be happy. I hope that, for those of you that have lost a child, that this article helps you and comfort you, as it did for me. I want to thank Scott for finding this article for me, it was truly a blessing. Thank you!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I just wanted to say "I love you!"

My little Sharyn,
I have been thinking of you a lot these past few days. I just wanted to let you know how much I love you and want you to be here in my arms. You would be about 4 months old, if all went as planed. You would be smiling and when dad tickled you and talk to you, you would give a little giggle. I wonder all the time what it would be like to have your big sister holding you and loving you. She was so exited for you to come to our family, to have someone she could dress up and teach how to do her crafts and to brag about. She loves you and misses you so much. And Austin talks about you all the time. He tells everyone we see that he has a baby sister, but that you don't live with us any more you live with Jesus now, but you are happy and love him a lot. He really dose love you too. And Your big brother Noah is really missing you, probably the most. He is very quiet about how he feels but every once in awhile he asks me if you will get another body and come live with us again. He wants to have you here so much, a baby sister to love and protect. Daddy misses you also, he would love to hold you and play with you. He loves little baby's so much and wishes he got a chance to see your smile. I think about you all the time, like what would I be doing with you today? I so much wish you could be here in my arms and hear your little cry. I think that's what I would love to hear the most is your little cry. To know that you are there and to be able to comfort you. I look at our empty Conner in our bedroom where you crib was supposed to be and miss you so much. Its hard to want to spend any time in there with out you there. I decided that instead of an empty corner I am going to put a shelf or two and put on it a few gifts that our wonderful friends have given us. To honer you, and to fill that corner with things that remind me of my beautiful children that I love so much. I think it will help me and make me smile to see your beautiful face there, with your brothers and sister instead of an empty corner. I love you so much and just wanted to let you know that I am doing better. And that I will always love you and miss you. I Love You Sharyn. Love Mommy!

Names in the sand

Thank you so much Christian's Seashore, for all you do to help bereaved family's. I love our baby Sharyn's beautiful picture.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Just been feeling down

  • It has been a while since I have posted for many reasons, mostly because I have not known what to say. I guess recently I have really been down, and that is mostly why I have not written. I have really missed our baby the past few weeks and fill maybe she is slipping more and more away from my family. We have done lots of fun things lately, but I am having a hard time finding joy in them, mostly because I don't feel that I am complete. I feel broken And I hate that! I am a fixer and I can't fix this. I also feel like others look up to me and I don't fill adequate. I feel like I come up short. I want to be there for them but I fill like I have nothing to offer. I also am having a hard time keeping up with my every day life. Like all my responsibility's. If you have been to my house recently you would notice it has not been the most organized and is kind of in chaos. And outside responsibilities "for get it!" I have been horrible, with doing my church obligations, like visiting teaching and keeping up with Young Woman's. I really love my callings, but am having a hard time being motivated to do a good job. I always put on a happy face when deep down I am sobbing. I think all of my family is struggling as well. Noah (my 7 year old boy) keeps asking me when will Sharyn live with us again. He has asked me that a few times the last few days, and I have to keep reminding him that she will not live with us in this life again. And we will be with her again in Heaven. And then he will ask me "will the next baby be Sharyn?" And I have to explain that all of us our different and there is only one Sharyn and that She will not get another body on this earth. It is hard to say "I am sorry but your baby sister will not live here with us in this life". I know he understands but I don't think he can except that she is gone. Out of all my kids I thought he cared the least. But I think that he might have not known how to handle it. I try to be there for him and my other kids and hope my explanations help. I just had my birthday on Tuesday and I think that has not helped the situation. To be reminded that you are getting older and there is nothing you can do about it. My life is not were I envisioned it at my age and that is disappointing. I do fill like there are things in my life that are true blessings, first of all my beautiful children and my loving husband. I just think that I was not expecting to have the year start out on such a rocky road. I was naive to think that losing a baby would never happen to me and so I was blind sighted. Also to be so fare along, way out of the danger zone and then losing her was so unexpected, and that also hurts. So lately all I feel I can do is pray to my Heavenly Father and ask him to help me through this time. Also to trust in him, that He knows what is best and that he will take care of my family.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

At peace (For right now)

There is something about knowing, that there is life after this one. This past week my Grandma past away, and of cores it brought up all those felling I felt the day that Sharyn past away. I felt empty and devastated. On Sunday we went to my Grandmothers funeral and I thought I would be a basket case. And yes I did cry but I surprised my self at how I felt. I felt completely at peace. I can't tell you why or how. All I know is I felt the spirit and it warped around me with a blanket of peace.
When we first arrived at the funeral home (The same one that Sharyn's services were at) I was nerves to see family there. I was not sure how my emotions would hold up. But after walking through the doors I saw my Grandmas casket at the end of the room and I had to see her. I walked past every one and went strait to her casket. Normally I would have mingled with the family and slowly made my way to her. But I felt a huge pull to get my last Chance with my Grandma. And when I approached her casket there she was, just beautiful and I started to cry. Not because I would miss her terribly, but because peace came over me. I felt the spirit in the room so strongly and I knew that family's did go on forever. I know that Sharyn was there with me that day comforting me and holding my Grandma's hand. It is amazing how wonderful it is to have those you love together, in the here after. I know that Grandma will love her and teach her and take good care of her. And Heavenly Father will take care of both of them.
I also fill Sharyn did not die for nothing, and some day I will know the purpose. I fill that the spirit in the room that day confirmed that to me. And some day I will know the reason. I love my Grandmother and will miss her. I fill she is with those she misses and is taking good care of my baby girl. We love you both!!!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

A Memorial blog for my baby girl

This has been hard to do, but I Finlay have Given My Baby girl A memorial blog. A place for me to come and write about her, and just let others know how much I love here and miss her.